Koha Not Hoha

Koha, not hoha. Be the gift, not the problem.

What are we here for? To be a gift. 

To live life as our own authentic human selves.

Should you find yourself born in to a 'village' inevitably life will make a way for you.

If you were born in to a regular family your opportunities may be a bit hit & miss but you'll probably be ok in the long run.

However, if you were born in to a narcissistic family matrix- you're screwed.

Especially if you find yourself being the nominated scapegoat of the tribe. There is no room for you. No oxygen shared. There will never be a place at the table for the scapegoat. If only we knew sooner, we could have saved ourselves & walked away. Oh no that doesn't work either because they will never, ever stop punishing you for being you whether you are still sitting at the door waiting to be let in, or whether you have moved far away hoping for peace. Then, swirl in a bucketful of religious bullshit & a few hundred conspiracy theories & you've got yourself a toxic mud pie that will stick like shit to everything in your life. So hard to wash off. The narcissist may die but still it's not enough. For when Felicia did finally die on the 9th July in 2024 we truly believed that is was finished & we waited for things to get better, for the heaviness to lift & the bullying to stop. And we waited & waited & nothing shifted & no one spoke to us so we tracked down the lawyer by phoning one after another in Cambridge & we received assurances of some progress on the estate process. Then we waited for probate to be granted & we waited for probate to end & we waited for the will to be shared (it wasn't) & had to ask for permission of Colin to see it, but when we finally read it it didn't make sense (A 'Mousy' Trust divided in to parts), so we waited for the legal grist to grind, but still no end. If you are a loving parent you are not going to use your will as your last gasp opportunity to piss your children off, but if you have a narcissistic personality disorder you will make every effort to do just that. It's your last chance, after all, to demonstrate that you never ever cared, that you were incapable of empathy or parental love & everything you ever did was a lie, a betrayal, a deliberate cruelty, or an act of self indulgence. It's also how they keep you hanging beyond death as there are always secrets kept. The greatest love in the life of a narcissist is money. So of course their last will & testament is all about money & the power it has granted them. And here was Felicia's grand finale. 

In a narcissistic family everyone is pitted against one another- the parent has ruled through the practise of divide, conquer, manipulate & slander for so long the siblings have no idea why they have no love or respect for each other & don't realise that they will never be reconciled. This has to be said right here:

"Narcissistic parents don't actually parent their children, they programme them, just like any cult through: repeated messaging when you say something enough times it starts to become the truth, despite everything a person, a child knows. Narcissistic parents use repetition of their false narrative to indoctrinate their children & skew their thinking, their minds, their beliefs, their opinions & even their history. It's all a revised edition....

They create a them versus us mentality- this programmes children to rely solely, or at least heavily on their narcissistic parent & what they say. Their words become gospel. This also isolates children from healthy narratives, relationships, connections & outside sources of information. Narcissistic parents do not parent they indoctrinate, just like any cult." Chantal Contorines Coaching.

And this is absolutely how Felicia came to destroy her own family- through programming her sons in narcissistic destructive behaviour. It's been a long & difficult road in the de-briefing process for Rob as he was isolated as a young christian man of 17 with few friends & his primary relationship being his doting narcissistic mother who indoctrinated her son in the christian family cult ways for all she was worth...until I came along. And very soon, all hell broke loose.

So when finally came the day for the big legacy reveal we were still flabbergasted that Felicia had been true to her narcissistic colours to the bitter, twisted end. Colin got the million bucks (literally) & Rob got the smack in the face for one last time. Her beloved grandchildren, having had money promises waved around them on banners their whole lives were left a pittance; while Colin got still more. There are no words. There are no answers. There is no remorse, no apology for the cunning sneaky plans to exclude Rob from from family life (decades). There is no love in the last 'letter' from the grave. And of course, it is all "God's will". And we have to live with it.

And the grieving is raw & harsh. There is nothing that soothes the choking in your throat, the ache in your soul as you come face to face with the enormity of all that you have never received. You didn't lose it, as it was never given. You miss it, but you never had it. And it sure aint coming now. There is no village for us. There is no regular family waiting in the wings. There is no blessing or good will. There is no comfort in any of it. There never was. 

There's just us. And we are now getting old ourselves.

How could we possibly be worth nothing? (yes there was a token offering) 

Worse than nothing. How could we possibly deserve so much evil & neglect?

How can you profess daily that you love Jesus with all your heart, yet spend every waking moment betraying your own son- also with all your heart & in every prayer?

There were so many delays & obstructions waiting for the release of the "funds" & the secrets, it all became unbearable. The day before they finally came through I got covid. I was in bed unable to eat or drink a thing for three days. Once again this was no coincidence. And then came the bitter news. Even though we had made space in our hearts for grace. Grace was not forthcoming.

Days later I got up one evening & turned on Radio New Zealand & heard this song. And joy rose like helium.

Oh she comes in colours alright. Because she's a rainbow!

Koha not hoha!

"If you allow yourself to be the person that you are, then everything will come into rhythm. If you live the life you love, you will receive shelter and blessings. Sometimes the great famine of blessing in and around us derives from the fact that we are not living the life we love, rather we are living the life that is expected of us. We have fallen out of rhythm with the secret signature and light of our own nature."

John O'Donohue
Anam Cara, 25th Anniversary Edition.

Despite it all we are indeed living the life that we love.

And there is no famine of blessing- we live with abundance all around us.

The shame is not ours to carry.

Telling this story is simply an act of bringing in 'our' truth & resetting someone else's narrative that we found ourselves trapped in for so long.

So back to Koha.

What's Koha?

I have gratefully borrowed a little of this wonderful explanation from here.

"Understanding 'Koha':

At its core, 'Koha' is not just a gift; it's a reflection of values deeply ingrained in Māori culture. Derived from the Maori language, 'Koha' translates to a gift, offering, or contribution. However, its true essence lies in the intention and spirit behind the giving.

Manaakitanga - The Spirit of Hospitality: 'Koha' is a manifestation of manaakitanga, the Māori concept of hospitality and mutual care. When offering 'Koha,' one extends not just a physical gift but a gesture of kindness that nourishes the relationship between the giver and the recipient.

Whanaungatanga - Building Relationships: At its heart, 'Koha' is about building and strengthening relationships. It fosters whanaungatanga, a sense of connectedness and kinship among individuals and communities. The act of giving becomes a thread that weaves people together in a web of shared experiences.....

As we navigate the intricate web of human connections, let 'Koha' be a guiding light—a reminder that the true richness of life lies in the bonds we form and the kindness we share."

Yes- let 'Koha' be a guiding light—a reminder that the true richness of life lies in the bonds we form and the kindness we share!

And even though the wait for closure was long & tedious, we did see a shift begin to take place on our side. Mostly this was a spontaneous unfolding & release of deep repression in Rob, that surprised us both & made for an entertaining summer: 

The first thing that suddenly shifted was that after a life long aversion to the sun he started sunbathing, almost every day right through summer, until he was as brown as a berry. Just 10-15 minutes a day & every chance he got, off came the shirt.

Then out came the hose & every day there were cold showers in the garden.

Then came the weights to build core strength & after that the chia seed stuff each morning & working on the belly. All just springing from nowhere.

After that there was the little basket of lanolin & other soothing balms that began to be liberally applied to knees, elbows & itchy backs each day. Why haven't I ever done this before!

Then I became concerned about my own hair becoming thin & lack lustre & I began to make rosemary tea as a hair rinse. Within a few weeks I could feel knew hair growing so we started making two jars of rosemary tea & every day we would rinse our hair & quite soon we realised that Rob's hair had stopped thinning & now after 5 months of rosemary treatment there is new hair growth on his head too. Rosemary has long been Rob's favourite herb so that's been a fun little engagement. The trailing rosemary in the rose garden at the park seems to be the best so once a week we take ourselves for a wander for a few snippets for the rinse routine. 

And then came the wild swimming...in the sea

In the river- freezing cold!

Jumping off banks like the local boys.

And then came the time to replace the poor old faithful Honda that had served us so well for the last seven years. We gave up our life insurance & saved the money instead & eventually we found the car that we both had in mind & it was big deal for a man whose father never sold a car in his life- just let them die beside the house one on top of the other.

We visited forests & ancient trees.

Found fairy dells & wobbly river crossings.

We wandered through the nikau cathedral at Waipatiki.

And he swam in the Tutaekuri out at Maraekakaho.

And then it was his birthday & we headed up to Mohi bush to walk in the forest & eat cake, have fun & wait patiently for the funds to come through sometime that day as promised, but it never happened- again!

So now we grieve our losses.

And gather our dignity & know that we'll be ok because we have each other & a life worth living.

And we will let Koha (not Hoha) be a guiding light—a reminder that the true richness of life lies in the bonds we form and the kindness we share!